“Honey, I want you to know that I have this urge of killing myself because I don’t want to hurt our children in the future.”
After seven years of being a full-time mom and homebased mompreneur, there was a point in Jill’s life that she felt so exhausted due to the same routines that she was doing daily. She was raising a school aged kid. She was aware and accepted the fact that a mom’s work was a 24-hour job and no day off. She had no nanny to help her in taking care of her kid or doing the chores. Her husband was working as a teacher and she understood very well that when he got home, he was tired already and needed to rest.
Despite of feeling exhausted, her husband would still help her in doing chores but she did her best not to get him too much involved due to the demands of his job. Fortunately, he wasn’t complaining at all. He was too caring and loving. Jill was very blessed indeed.
The feeling of unexplained loneliness and exhaustion became evident when Jill found out that she was pregnant with her second child. During that time, she just graduated from her third course, Bachelor of Science in Nursing, and was preparing to take the Nursing Licensure Examination to fulfill her dream of starting a nursing career since her eldest was already staying the whole day in school. She had to deal with a difficult and sensitive pregnancy while keeping up with the activeness of her first born that prompted her to set aside her career plan.
Guilt rose from within whenever she would try to give time for herself because she thought that she was stealing time from her kid. She wallowed in the fear of feeling bad because she got pregnant and it was so unfair for the baby in her womb to feel that way. She loved the growing baby inside her. As days passed, she embraced her pregnancy . All she wished for was for her precious little one to develop normally.
Jill would always remind herself that being a full time mom was her choice. A stranger taking care of her kid wasn’t an option for her. She was happy with that decision and feeling indifferently with that idea made her felt too guilty. As the baby was about to be delivered, she became confused of her emotions. She couldn’t feel her purpose anymore even though she counted her blessings— her eldest kid was intelligent and good, her husband was the best husband and father, her homebased business was doing well, and her friends and loved ones were always there for her showing their support.
While Jill was rearing her newborn, there were days when she felt extremely lonely without apparent reason at all. There were moments when she felt useless, ugly, and pathetic. Her mom would ask her, “Anak, are you bored already?” She couldn’t even answer back but she knew right on that moment that there was something wrong with her. Her nursing background and her love for Psychiatry validated the idea that she was suffering from Postpartum Depression. Unfortunately, she would still deny it because she didn’t have an indifferent feeling with her baby.
Five months passed. Jill’s feelings of exhaustion, loneliness, and misery became worse. When there were tasks piling up because she had no drive in doing them, she would feel mad easily. Her husband and eldest kid noticed the changes in her. From a patient, reasonable, calm, and loving mother and wife, Jill became grumpy and ill-mannered. She was suddenly stripped-off with positive self-image.
“Honey, you are beautiful inside and out. Always think positively. You are what you think you are. We love you so much. Always remember that,” Jill’s husband would always tell her every single day for months of lurking in negativity. She would say yes even though her mind would think otherwise.
Being optimistic was so difficult for Jill. She couldn’t help herself but feel lonely. Prayers and reading Biblical verses became her refuge but still she felt wasted. At the back of her mind, she kept on telling herself that she could make it. She could survive and surpass the test because she was aware of what was happening to her. Sad to say, her body was willing to keep going optimistically but the mind was not.
During the seventh month, Jill was occupied with suicidal ideation. She exhibited thoughts to kill herself because she didn’t want to hurt her kids. She experienced sleepless nights. She couldn’t concentrate on making simple tasks and decisions. She couldn’t stop eating until she gained too much weight. Her mood was erratic and out of control. She felt sick and had no interest in doing things that she used to enjoy. Although she wasn’t disconnected with her baby, she felt so tired of living. She was hopeless. All she wanted to do was to voice out all her negative sentiments to her husband. She knew that he was hurting inside because he expressed that he didn’t know how to help her. All Jill wanted that time was someone to listen to her because like her intention of not hurting her kids, she wanted someone to know that she had the urge to hurt herself and she didn’t want it to happen either.
When Jill said, “Honey, I want you to know that I have this urge of killing myself because I don’t want to hurt our children in the future,” she realized and finally accepted the fact that really, Postpartum Depression was tormenting her and her family. Her husband continued to lend his ears and never gave up on her.
Jill reviewed her Psychiatric Nursing notes and searched the internet to refresh her memory of the signs and symptoms of Postpartum Depression. The facts confirmed her assumptions. Yes, she was suffering from it. Moreover, without treatment, the symptoms would become worse.
Prayers and family support were not enough to fight the battle. The full acceptance of having depression brought up her will to fight the feeling. She didn’t want to take medications or seek professional help to alleviate her suffering.
One day, while spacing out again because she was so sad, one book on the shelf that she didn’t have the chance to read yet caught her attention. She got it immediately and read its first 10 pages. She was as if jolted by lightning. Then she said to herself, “I wasted seven months of my life whining and making myself and the people that I love miserable!”
The book that changed Jill’s way of thinking dramatically was The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. To describe it, here are the mission and vision of this book, “In this book, you’ll learn to use The Secret in every aspect of your life— money, health, relationships, happiness, and in every interaction you have in the world. You’ll begin to understand the hidden, untapped power that’s within you, and this revelation can bring joy to every aspect of your life.”
The wisdom of The Secret became Jill’s guide to heal herself in less than a week. She listed down some quotes that she found applicable in her healing process and read them over and over to remind herself that in times when she would feel the need to look back and remember those dark days of her life, she would never go back and commit the same mistakes.
“The Secret is the law of attraction. Everything’s that’s coming into your life you are attracting into your life. And it’s attracted to you by virtue of images you’re holding in your mind. It’s what you’re thinking. Whatever is going on in your mind are attracting to you.” (Proctor, 2006, p. 4)
“If you see it in your mind, you’re going to hold it in your hand.” (Proctor, 2006, p. 9)
“Thoughts are sending out that magnetic signal that is drawing back to you.” (Vitale, 2006, p. 10)
“When you focus your thoughts on something you want, and you hold that focus, you are in that moment summoning what you want with the mightiest power in the Universe. The law of attraction doesn’t compute don’t or not or no, or any other words of negation. As you speak words of negation, this is what the law of attraction is receiving: ‘I don’t want to spill something on this outfit.’ (‘I want to spill something in this outfit and I want to spill more things.’) ‘I don’t want to be delayed.’ (‘I want delays.’).” (Proctor, 2006, p.1 4)
“You can see the law of attraction everywhere. You draw everything to yourself. The people, the job, the circumstances, the health, the wealth, the debt, the joy, the care that you drive, the community that you’re in. And you’re drawn them all to you, like a magnet. What you think about you bring about. Your whole life is a manifestation of the thoughts that go on in your head.” (Nichols, 2006, p. 20)
“You want to become aware of your thoughts and choose your thoughts carefully and you want to have fun with this, because you are the masterpiece of your own life. You are the Michaelangelo of your own life. The David you are sculpting is you.” (Vitale, 2006, p. 23)
“If you’re feeling good, then you’re creating a future that’s on track with your desires. If you’re feeling bad, you’re creating a future that’s of track with your desires. As you go about your day, the law of attraction is working in every second. Everything that we think and feel is creating our future. If you’re worried or in fear, then you’re bringing more of that into your life throughout the day.” (Shimoff, 2006, p. 32)
“You can begin right now to feel unhealthy. You can begin to feel prosperous. You can begin to feel the love that’s surrounding you, even if it’s not there. And what will happen is the universe will correspond to the nature of your song. The universe will correspond to the nature of that inner feeling and manifest, because that’s the way you feel.” (Beckwith, 2006, p.34)
“It’s really important that you feel good because this feeling good is what goes out as a signal into the Universe and starts to attract more of itself to you. So the more you can feel good, the more you will attract the things that help you feel good, and are able to keep bringing you up higher and higher.” (Vitale, 2006, p. 37)
“See the things that you want as already yours. Know that they will come to you at need. Then let them come. Don’t fret and worry about them. Think of them as yours, as belonging to you, as already in your possession.” (Collier, 2006, p. 49)
“What can you do right now to begin to turn your life around? The first thing is to start making a list of things to be grateful for. This shifts your energy and starts to shift your thinking. Whereas before this exercise you might be focusing on what you don’t have, your complaints, and your problems, you go in a different direction when you do this exercise. You start to be grateful for all the things that you feel good about.” (Vitale, 2006, p. 74)
“Gratitude is absolutely the way to bring more into your life.” (Shimoff, 2006, p. 74)
“Many people in Western culture are striving for success. They want the great home, they want their business to work, they want all these outer things. But what we found in our research is that having these outer things does not necessarily guarantee what we really want, which is happiness. So we go for these outer things thinking they’re going to bring us happiness, but it’s backward. You need to go for inner joy, the inner peace, the inner vision first, and then all of the outer things appear.” (Shimoff, 2006, p. 109-110)
“You become the solution for you. Don’t point another person and say, ‘Now you owe me and you need to give me more.’ Instead, give more to yourself. Take time off to give yourself, and in a sense to fill yourself up to fullness, to where now you can overflow in giving.” (Gray, 2006, p. 118)
“To acquire love… fill yourself up with it until you become a magnet.” (Haanel, 2006, p. 119)
“When people are completely focused on what’s wrong and their symptoms, they will perpetuate it. The healing will not occur until they shift their attention from being sick to being well. Because that’s the law of attraction.” (Doyle, 2006, p. 132)
“Happier thoughts lead essentially a happier biochemistry. A happier, healthier body. Negative thoughts and stress have been shown to seriously degrade the body and the functioning of the brain, because it’s out thoughts and emotions that are continuously reassembling, reorganizing, re-creating our body.” (Hagelin, 2006, p. 133)
“The reason what you resist persists is because if you’re resisting something, you’re saying, ‘No, I don’t want this thing, because it makes me feel this way— the way I am feeling right now.’ So you’re putting out a really strong emotion of, ‘I really don’t like this feeling,’ and it comes racing toward you.” (Doyle, 2006, p. 141)
“It’s OK to notice what you don’t want, because it gives you contrast to say, ‘This is what I do want.” But the fact is, the more you talk about what you don’t want, or talk about how bad it is, read about it all the time, and they say how terrible it is—well, you’re creating more of that.” (Canfield, 2006, p. 144)
“A person who sets his or her mind on the dark side of life, who lives over and over the misfortunes and disappointments of the past, prays for similar misfortunes and disappointments in the future. If you will see nothing but ill luck in the future, you are praying for such ill luck and will surely get it.” (Mulford, 2006, p. 166)
“And you can break yourself free from your hereditary patterns, cultural codes, social beliefs, and prove once and for all that the power within you is greater than the power within the world.” (Beckwith, 2006, p. 167)
“I see a future of unbounded potential, unbounded possibilities. Remember we’re using, at most, 5 percent of the potential of the human mind. Our hundred percent human potential is the result of proper education. So imagine a world where people are using their full mental and emotional potential. We could go anywhere. We could do anything. Achieve anything.” (Hagelin, 2006, p. 181)
“I believe that you’re great, that there’s something magnificent about you. Regardless of what has happened to you in your life. Regardless of how young or old you think you might be. The moment you begin to think properly, this something that’s within you that’s greater than the world, it will begin to emerge. It will take over your life. It will feed you. It will clothe you. It will guide you, protect you, direct you, sustain your existence. If you let it. Now that is what I know, for sure.” (Beckwith, 2006, p. 183)
Jill felt that the Lord gave this book as an answered prayer. It changed her life tremendously. Until now, she is practicing all its teachings. She feels more grateful, happy, fulfilled, and purposeful. Whenever she remembers her battle with Postpartum Depression, she knows that everything that is beautiful and nice is possible as long as she believes in the power of her will.
Byrne, R. (2006). The Secret. New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Pietrangelo, A. Everything You Need to Know About Postpartum Depression. Retrieved from https://www.healthline.com/health/depression/postpartum-depression
Videbeck, S. (2008). Psychiatric-Metal Health Nursing Fourth Edition. Philadelphia, PA: Lippincott Williams & Wilkins.